Toddler Whines Nonstop

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Answer

Whining is very common at 15 months. Little ones this age whine as a means of communication. They don't know that we find it irritating, and they wouldn't have the self control to communicate differently even if they did.

But not all little ones whine, so we can learn from the ones that don't. Babies and toddlers whine more when:

1. They feel powerless.

Babies and toddlers whine more when they don't feel like they can meet their own needs, or count on their adult to meet their needs.

Some of the things you describe -- wanting you to get him a drink, a book, his lovie, to go outside -- seem to require your assistance. But I strongly recommend that you set up his life so that he can be as independent as possible. Why can't he use a step-stool to get a drink of water with a plastic cup at the bathroom sink anytime he wants one?

But if indeed your help is necessary to get these things, then the frustration you are describing is partly about being dependent on you, and powerless to meet his own needs. If you wait to help him, you are reinforcing his dependency and powerlessness. If, instead, you respond promptly when he communicates his needs, you reduce the frustration, and therefore the tendency to whine.

What if he's whining about something he could do for himself, like get his lovey across the room? He's telling you he's running on empty and needs some re-fueling nurturing from you. There's nothing wrong with that. Sure, you can make dinner for yourself, but isn't it nice to have someone else feed you sometimes? (More on this below.)

And yes, expecting him to use words -- which are like a foreign language that he's still learning, to him -- while he is already frustrated is expecting too much from him. Making him say please when he's so little and already having such a hard time controlling himself that he's whining is asking too much. He has plenty of time to learn manners. Why add fuel to the fire? That's how parents trigger tantrums (which are a signal of emotional or physical overload). Once children are emotionally overloaded, they're in a state of emergency and can't learn what you're trying to teach.

2. They don't yet have enough words to reliably communicate.

(and the fact that he has occasionally used a word doesn't mean he has reliable access to it, especially when his emotions are running high.)

One way to address this before he can speak well is to teach him sign language. Studies show that babies who sign are less whiny and have fewer tantrums because they can better communicate their needs, and because expressing their feelings in words gives them an outlet. They may also often have higher IQs later in life, because signing stretches the language capacity.

3. They are frustrated.

Whining is a way for humans to communicate that they feel overwhelmed and need help. So if your son is working on something and is frustrated with it, he may well whine.

I know experts often say frustration is good for little ones, but my professional opinion is that frustration is misunderstood. If your child is working hard at doing something, he will try and try again, and you certainly don't want to jump in to do it for him. That deprives him of learning and gives him the message that he is too dumb and incompetent to master that new task himself.

But too much frustration is as stressful to your child as it is to you. Is frustration good for you? Of course, if it motivates you to take action to address the issue ("I really do have to clean out this closet, I can't find a thing!") But if you think about your son's life, he is constantly bombarded by frustrations: being told what to do, not being able to get the block tower to stand up, not getting to eat another cookie, getting pulled away from his toys so you can run an errand, having to wait for you to help him with something. 15 month olds don't have the fully developed frontal cortex necessary to manage that much frustration and can get easily overwhelmed.

So the best way to respond when your son begins to sound "whiney" is to acknowledge his feelings, and let him know you're standing by as backup if he needs you. You might say "You are trying so hard....But it keeps falling down....That's frustrating." He knows more words than you think, and your tone will reassure him that this isn't an emergency. He may, then, be able to master his upset enough to push through and do it himself. The key is that your loving attention helps him to manage his own mounting anxiety -- he sees that you aren't worried about this, and you are right there if he needs you.

But remember that his internal resources will vary from day to day and at different times of the day, just as ours do. If he is begging you for help, there is nothing wrong with stepping in: "I know you did this yourself yesterday. But right now you want my help. Of course, I am always here to help if you want. What if we balance the block this way? Do you think you can put the next block on?"

4. They feel bored.

Little ones whine when they feel out of sorts and can't figure out what to do with themselves. Why on earth would a baby or toddler ever be bored? The job of a toddler is to explore the world! But because that can mean tearing your house apart, many of us limit toddlers to one room that we know is safe, and try to occupy them with screens so they won't make a mess. Studies show that little ones who watch TV often then have a hard time engaging in self-directed activity, so if he's watching TV at all, cutting it out might well eliminate the whining within a week, once he figures out what else to do with himself.

Some ideas for bored 15 month olds: Remember to rotate his toys. Active kids love a small climbing gym indoors. Anything using water, ice, sand is fascinating for them. If you don't have a yard for a sandbox, you can make your own sand table in a big pan or old baby bathtub. Keep the sand or water contained by keeping the play confined to a small baby pool (without the water.) Or just put some old towels on the floor with a bucket of water and a bunch of plastic containers of various sizes (and maybe some ice cubes if the weather is warm.) Or let him "mop" with a small mop. (You may even get a clean kitchen floor out of it!) Tape white paper over the entire surface of a coffee table and let him draw. Finger paints are wonderful but of course require supervision, better yet put him in the high chair and let him finger paint with pudding (you can even add food coloring to vanilla.) A few large boxes is the best toy ever for this age. There are many more ideas online for sensory play for toddlers. (Including on my Pinterest page HERE!)

5. They're pushed beyond what they can handle.

Just don't try to squeeze in another errand when he's hungry or tired. Even if he doesn't tantrum, you can be guaranteed that he'll start whining, and why feed that habit?

6. They are tired.

He probably doesn't whine when he's well-rested after a nap. Babies do go through spurts where they need extra sleep, so trying an earlier bedtime -- even laughably early, like 6:30pm -- for a couple of nights can show you the difference.

7. They need our attention.

15 month olds can play by themselves now, but they still need a tremendous amount of interaction with us. In fact, just when we see them walking around and acting like grown people instead of babies, they often go through a clingy period because they feel like we're pushing them to separate and act grown up. This is always worse if there has been a real separation (for instance, Mom went on vacation without Baby, or he started daycare, or a new sibling was born.) Bottom line, the more connection we give our kids without their asking, the less likely they are to whine when our attention does need to be divided.

So be pre-emptive. Make sure that your child gets enough of your positive attention unprovoked, especially at the times of day when he is more likely to be whiny, such as the pre-dinner arsenic hour. Pre-empt whining by giving attention BEFORE he gets demanding. (Anyone who's had to ask a romantic partner "Do you love me?" knows that attention given after you ask can never really fill the need.) The secret is to take the initiative and give attention the child hasn't asked for, often, so he feels your support and connection. And of course it's particularly important to give attention when he shows the first sign of needing your emotional support, before that quick downhill slide.

8. They need to cry.

Life is full of frustration for toddlers. That builds up stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Nature has designed humans with a fail-safe to get those stress chemicals out of our system: crying. Most toddlers need some time to cry on a regular basis. Please note that I am NOT suggesting making your child cry or leaving your child alone to cry. Those increase stress. But if you have ever had the wonderful experience of someone being really present with you as you cry, you know what a gift it is to have a trusted person help you feel safe enough to cry. That is a gift that every child needs from his parents. If your son is whining a lot and you have done everything you can to meet his needs, try cuddling him in your arms and giving him your full attention. Say: "You seem so unhappy. Do you need to cry and get those tears and fears out? That's ok, I am right here with all my love. Go ahead and cry if you want."

If your child is too angry to be held, stay as compassionate and close as you can without making him angrier. When we help them feel safe, most kids move through the angry part of the tantrum and then collapse sobbing into the parent's arms. After they release all those pent-up upsets, they're more cheerful for the rest of the day.

9. They develop the habit of whining.

Remember that what feeds the habit is the actual whining, not your meeting his needs when he expresses them. When you meet his needs -- or at least acknowledge what he feels -- he doesn't need to whine, so empathizing pre-emptively will help him break the whining habit. He babbles happily when he's happy, right? Well, when he's teething, tired, or frustrated, grousing about it feels better to him. He's communicating his emotions to you. So it's best if you intervene positively when he whines to interrupt the habit.

First, recognize his feelings and give him a word to use instead of whining: "Oh, you sound frustrated/cranky/worn out/bothered/sad right now" or "You really wish you could have that scissors. It looks cool when Mommy uses it." Then teach him that he can do something to make himself feel better, besides whining: "What could you do to feel better? Do you need a little cuddle?/some help from Mommy?/a drink of water?" or "You want the scissors, but this one isn't safe for babies. Here, do you want your own safe scissors?"

I hear how important it is to you to do a good job as a mom. I want to encourage you to use your instincts, which sound very good to me, and ignore the messages you are hearing about not responding to your son. Being swamped by negative emotion sets kids back in learning to regulate themselves. They need us to help them learn to manage their emotions, and the more responsive we are to their needs, the less likely they are to end up overwhelmed by a full-blown tantrum.

The way kids learn to delay gratification and interact civilly is by becoming able to manage their emotions, and the way kids learn to manage their emotions is by having their parents respond to them lovingly and helpfully. That's how they get the message that they matter and can impact their world. That's how they learn not to panic and tantrum, and learn that frustration is bearable.