Sensory Processing

My 10-year-old is giving us absolute fits at bedtime. Not all nights but many. I try to be patient but there are times I just want to run screaming. He comes out of his room constantly, complaining that a light is too bright or it's too hot or the TV is too loud, etc. If we fix one thing, something else pops up. We've sent him to sleep in the dark cool basement, but then there are noises that bug him. One night he said he was hot, so we finally turned on the air, then he complained that air was too loud. I am not kidding. We have finally started letting him use ear plugs - this seems to help. But sometimes he still will complain about lights. He'll come out and even turn lights out on us. He says they shine under his door. ?? Hubby thinks he's trying to manipulate us, and sometimes I think that. But he really seems to want to go to sleep and gets frustrated. This whole things gets VERY VERY frustrating sometimes. Hubby gets angry and even though I try to stay calm, I often get angry as well. He just will NOT stay in his room when he has these issues.

I talked to his pediatrician. He suggested a fan to drown out all other noises. But white noise only bothers my son. It's like there's NOTHING that will work for him sometimes. Oh, it's so bad that even his fish tank that barely makes noise will annoy him if he's not wearing ear plugs. I've never seen anything like it. Do you have any suggestions? Now tonight, for some reason, he did ok. He got ear plugs in and hasn't come out once. But last night, my husband refused to put ear plugs in for him b/c he was busy and it was a very bad night. Do you have any ideas of what we could do without capitulating, to help him? Or what might this be about?

Also, I do have a 10-month-old so I realize we've had lots of changes. But my 10-yr-old has had sleep issues much longer than 10 months. Oh, and it's like he's tantruming/having meltdowns when he gets like that. He cries and gets very very frustrated so I don't think he does this intentionally.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Does this peaceful parenting approach work with a special needs child, such as ASD and sensory issues? The pediatricians,  OTs, and specialists all seem to use rewards and punishments. 

Dear Dr. Laura,
I have concerns regarding my 22 month old son. He seems angry with me most of the time and resists physical touch. If we get close physically, most of the time he will hit me, bite me, kick me, pinch me. I feel as though my presence incites some kind of anger in him a lot of the time. If we lie in bed together and he gets close to me he will usually kick at me or hit at me. This has been going on for many months. If he hurts himself or gets angry at something unrelated to me he will come and hit at me. I cannot comfort him and have never been able to. When I call him to come to me he hardly ever does. When he sleeps in bed with me and my husband he usually turns away from me and goes and sleeps close to my husband. When he wakes up crying from sleeping and I go to get him he seems even more annoyed when he sees me sometimes. He is much more affectionate with my husband and much less aggressive with him. He is very happy when my husband returns from being away from him and much less so with me. I am a stay at home mother by the way and my husband works.

He had some gross motor and language delays but nothing drastic and has been diagnosed with some sensory integration issues, including touch, sound, vestibular, but nothing severe. He does seem much less laid back than other kids, more anxious and less happy.

I also feel very confused because at times he has seemed attached to me. He has cried for me when I leave him with other people, he calls for me when he does not see me sometimes or at times when someone he does not know interacts with him, he seems happy to see me at times, he has been affectionate to me on occasion. However, I have to say that these moments are not common.

He has recently gotten a sibling, and this has made matters worse in that he is even more aggressive towards me and seems to prefer his dad even more. I have always given my son lots of love, affection, positive responses, I try to be empathetic when disciplining him etc. Can attachment issues occur even if the mother does everything “right” per se?

There was a lot of trauma for me before his birth. My first baby had died only a year before and I had health issues etc. I am wondering if something like this could have affected him more than I realised, and depending on how much you believe babies are affected perhaps even before they are born.

Can things improve? What can I do to get a better connection with my son?