Toddler Social Anxiety: 2 year old afraid of other children

Question

Answer

I agree with you that this is probably an inherited predisposition to social anxiety. It is also true that when social exposure to other child is limited, children are more likely to exhibit social anxiety, as we saw during and after the covid pandemic, so it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy to respond to a child's social anxiety by limiting social contact. 

I also agree with the child development expert that if your daughter continues to be ruled by this anxiety she will begin to lose out on some age-appropriate developmental tasks.

However, I disagree with his solution. It sounds to me akin to saying "She needs to learn to swim. When you're there, she won't learn to swim because she clings to you while you take her in the water. So drop her in the pool so she'll learn to swim." In fact, if you took her with you into the water every single day, sooner or later she would relax in the water.

The most recent research on anxiety suggests that avoiding the things that make us anxious worsens the anxiety. Instead, we need to feel the fear and do it anyway. In other words, we need to reassure ourselves that it's okay to feel anxious, and that we can handle the situation. This is true for kids as well as adults. But toddlers need to know they have a special adult there, who has their back; that's age-appropriate for all toddlers. 

So I do suggest that you help your daughter confront her fears, but not by sending her off to daycare without you.

Here are six steps that will help your child gradually learn to manage the anxiety she feels in social situations.

1. Expose your daughter daily to other children so that she begins to relax around them.

Go to the playground and watch other children with her. Describe what they're doing and express curiosity and delight. If she seems frightened, reassure her. Tell her that she is safe and you are going to stay with her.

2. Make it a priority to meet some other moms who have kids the same age and hang with them regularly.

Sooner or later your daughter will begin to engage, as long as she sees these same kids every week. Seeing the same kids over and over will help her to feel more secure with them. If some of this can happen at her own home where she feels safe, that might be best of all.

3. Eventually you'll be able to set up one-on-one playdates in your own home,

which will be less anxiety-producing for her than a group situation. She might be more relaxed with kids who are either older or younger than she is, so you can experiment to see. Any age child that she is willing to engage with is a win.

4. Your daughter is frightened of other kids but that doesn't mean she isn't interested in friendships.

She's just afraid that she can't handle what other kids might do. So I would start a "campaign" to read her books about toddler and preschool friendships, to help her understand that there's some reward to connecting with other kids, even if it's scary.

5. Play will also help your daughter begin to access her fear and express it.

Since giggling releases the same anxieties that crying does, play games with her that get her giggling. NOT tickling, since that is a physiological response and probably doesn't actually release stress hormones. Go for any kind of play other than tickling that gets her giggling, with as much warmth as possible. Play bucking bronco with her on your back, giggling as you scrabble around the room on all fours, trying to toss her off. Toss her in the air, or play airplane and zoom her wildly around the house. I'm suggesting this because anything that helps her encounter mild fear (in a safe way), and overcome it, is good for her, and laughter is nature's way of helping kids (and adults) process mild anxiety.

Separation games are also important for her. One game is "Please Don't Leave Me." When you have been reading to her and she starts to get off your lap, pull her back to you and tell her how much you love holding her, and please don't go away from you ever and you want to hold her always. Keep your voice light and playful rather than needy so she feels free to pull away, and keep scooping her back to you and begging her to stay. The point of this is to convince her that you will always be there for backup if she needs you. Again, go for giggles.

Another game is a simple version of Hide and Seek that triggers just a little separation anxiety, just enough to get her giggling. Say "I'm going to play bye-bye. If you want me, yell Peanut Butter" (or whatever she would think is funny.) Then hide behind the couch, or the door, for just a moment before YOU yell "Peanut Butter" and run out, and hug her. Say "I missed you! Ok, let me try that again." and go hide again. Again, come back out before she yells for you, which should get her giggling, especially if you play-act being silly and excessively worried. Keep playing this, letting her yell or you yell, as long as she is giggling, to surface her anxieties about staying connected to you.

Sometimes when children have stuffed a lot of fear, they can get very serious and find it harder to giggle, so don't give up. Notice what makes her laugh and do more of it, no matter how silly it is. The more giggling the better, to help her work through all that fear.

6. Finally, help her work directly on her fears of other kids.

Pick her favorite class, so she's motivated. For instance, maybe the library story hour. Make it something she wants to do but that you aren't totally invested in, because it may not work out for awhile!

Tell her in advance that she cannot sit on your lap, but that she needs to sit NEXT to you there. Practice it at home. If she protests, reassure her that you will be next to her -- but say very clearly that she must sit next to you, not on you. If that makes her cry, or makes her angry, that's fine -- she needs to show you her terror about this. That will actually help diminish the fear she feels in that situation.

Tell her that it's okay to be frightened, and you will help her. If she gets worried, she can tell you, and you will go outside the library and hug her, and then go back in. I'm hoping she is old enough to understand this discussion, but you should also demonstrate it by acting it out with stuffed animals. Your goal at home when you discuss this is to help her work through some of that anxiety in advance, so it is fine if she shows you her upset about it. Empathize with how scary it feels and reassure her that you will be right there to hold her hand as she sits next to you. 

You don't actually care if you make it to story hour at all. Your goal is to give her a chance to get in touch with that fear and move through it. So just keep reminding her that when you go it will be so much fun and she will sit NEXT to you, not on you, so that she gets a chance (in advance) to cling to you and cry about it. Sooner or later, the crying and clinging will diminish.

Even if that day when she finally seems comfortable with your library plan is not the right day for story hour, you probably want to put her in the car and head for the library. Again, she may melt down in the car. Stop the car and hold her, just as you did at home. The goal is to help her feel safe enough to express the feelings, so they aren't all locked up inside her as anxiety. (This is a bit like when a therapist helps a plane-phobic person get on an airplane. The work goes on for a long time before they get near a plane.)

Eventually, you will be able to walk into the library, or even get to the story hour. Stick to the "rule" that at the library she sits NEXT to you. Remind her that it is okay to be afraid  -- in fact, it is normal to feel anxious -- but she can handle it and you will help her.

If she falls apart and clings to you and refuses to sit next to you, it is fine to take her home and tell her that you will try again next time. But if you can, take her out of the storytime circle and stand with her a bit back from the circle, holding her hand. Eventually you can sit down with her next to you, even though you will be beyond the circle. No worries. Each week you can get closer. 

She will be enormously proud of herself when she is actually able to do this.

And after she masters this at the library, she will gradually be able to do the same thing at other classes.

This is a lot of work, and you will have to make it the focus of your life for a year or so, I imagine. But helping your daughter address her fear in this way will help her gradually become more comfortable about going into social situations. It's time well-spent, so you end up with a confident little girl. Good luck!

Dr. Laura