4 Year Old Aggressive with Parents -- and Dog!
read •
Dr. Laura,
We're at a loss with our son who just turned four. I'm a big fan of Positive Discipline and believe in setting limits with empathy. For the most part I feel very connected with my son but there are some issues with aggression coming up and I'm not sure why. The increased aggression is with us (his dad and me). Hitting, biting, slapping. This was more pronounced a bit ago but he still resorts to this when angry. We usually respond with a time-in. He's become increasingly agitated with friends coming over and seems territorial. Aggressive with our dog too who has been here since before our son was born. Yells at the dog, throws things at the dog, taking dog's food away, etc. I feel like I/we must be doing something wrong for this to continue. A friend is questioning why we don't use traditional time outs. I feel like we are clear about limits but his behavior is giving me pause. Making me second guess myself. I've read that all acts of aggression are instances where a child feels disconnected. How can that be?
Aggression is usually an indication of fear. This seems to be true for
all mammals. A small dog sees a big dog, and the small dog growls!
The best defense is a good offense.
While your son's aggression
with you is within the realm of normal, a child raised with gentle
discipline should be able to control his aggressive impulses by age four
so that he is not hitting the adults in his life. And while it is
also within the realm of normal for four year olds to be territorial
with their possessions when friends come over, I would see it as a red
flag that he feels threatened, afraid. I am also bothered that he is
acting territorial with the dog. That is an even bigger red flag.
It is entirely possible that this is within the range of normal, and
the answer I will give you will assume this. However, I need to tell
you that if your son has risk factors you have not mentioned, then my
answer may not be adequate to the situation. Meaning, hopefully he just
needs your help to deal with his feelings. But maybe he is responding
to something else, such as extreme jealousy of a sibling, or fear from a
previous or current trauma, or tension if his parents are fighting, or
even issues in controlling his aggression that are genetic (you would
know about these from mental health issues in your extended family.) So
I don't want to scare you, but I do need to mention these possible risk
factors in case any of them are at play. If they aren't, then I think
that helping your son with his fear will solve your problem.
Would it help to start using timeouts with your son? No, it would make him angrier. But time-ins are perfect. But your goal in time-in is not just calming him. It's helping him work out the emotions.
Four
year olds often have a lot of fear locked up inside them. They feel
small, and can't help noticing that the world is a big scary place.
They have become aware of death. They know their parents could abandon
them, which would threaten their very existence. Of course, children who
are punished, which your child isn't, are usually more fearful. And
kids who watch TV tend to be more fearful, as do kids whose parents have
traveled and left them for a separation. But even kids who get great
parenting can have experiences at school, or through medical
intervention, or simply on the street (a barking dog, a homeless person)
that are very scary to them. Sometimes these experiences have happened
long ago, before the child was verbal. I have known of toddlers who
cry and say a particular part of their body is hurting, who seem to be
referring to medical events that happened in their infancies.
How is this linked to aggression? Well, most of us find fear to be a
very uncomfortable emotion. And when humans don't want to feel a big,
scary, feeling, we often "defend" against it by lashing out. (As we get
older and can't lash out, many of us adopt other coping mechanisms to
fend off uncomfortable feelings, such as eating or other addictions.)
And some children do use TV or rigid behaviors like NEEDING a pacifier
as ways to fend off uncomfortable feelings. But most four year olds who
are trying to keep feelings that make them feel vulnerable from
surfacing end up lashing out.
What does this have to do with disconnection? When we don't want to
feel something, we disconnect with our own experience, in order to
"stuff' that feeling. That disconnection from ourselves also
disconnects us from others. So a child who is not comfortable in his
own skin because of his emotions ends up feeling disconnected from his
parents.
I should add that ALL children end up feeling disconnected from
their parents on a regular basis. If they go to school, or are
separated from parents, they need time at the end of the day to
reconnect. That's why I always emphasize how important Special Time
is. But Special Time is also important as a way to build trust so that
the child will see the parent as a safe harbor and will let those scary
feelings bubble up. Sometimes even wonderful parents are frightened of
anger or upset by fear and they can't bear it when their child expresses
those feelings, so it's important to get clear that you are welcoming
your son's big feelings, and to breathe your way through them.
I am going to give you some links to read more about how to do
this. After you read these, if you have questions, feel free to shoot
me an email and I can clarify.
How to Help Your Child with Anger
4 Year Old- Aggressive Tantrums, Screaming
5 Year Old with Aggressive Tantrums
Please let me know how it goes.
warm regards,
Dr. Laura
No risk factors. In fact,
my son has lived a pretty great life thus far and we've made that a
priority. No illnesses, separations (aside from preschool), no sibling,
and no genetic risk (depression does run in both sides of the family
though).
My son is slow to warm though and has been from
birth. I'd say sensitive too. He gets pretty overwhelmed with other
kids and it took over 5 months for him to leave the teacher's side at
school to go play with friends. The other day we had two neighbor kids
over who he usually enjoys and he had a terrible time (taking toys from
them, being argumentative and controlling). I didn't say much about it
then but they did leave pretty quickly. After he'd calmed down I
mentioned to him that he seemed to be having a hard time with kids at
our house and he immediately said, I don't want any kids at my house,
mom. I was struck by that and said that we didn't need to do that for
awhile if he didn't want to. He seemed relieved. This issue has waxed
and waned and I think it's developmental. He also may be more of an
introvert (like his dad and me) than I realized.
The dog
issue. I'm not sure what this is about. Seems like sibling rivalry
almost. My son will get upset that the dog goes into a room that he
doesn't want him to, or then upset if the dog doesn't want to be petted
(who can blame the dog??). Sometimes it seems like it comes from
nowhere. If my son is overtired or hungry I understand that he may have
more challenging behaviors but sometimes it seems downright mean. I
give him lots of room to make choices for things (activities, how he
likes to do things). I'm not rigid about these things so I find it hard
to believe he's trying to control the dog because he feels little
control himself but I guess it's possible.
As for the time-ins,
I really need to think about what we're doing. I definitely stay with
him (although there have been times when he's hit me and I've felt
really close to losing it and will take myself to another room for a
minute or two). But after re-reading some of your articles, now I'm not
so sure that my tone is inviting of his emotions. It's just so hard.
If I could hold him while he cries or rages that would be great. But
he's usually flailing and trying to hurt me. I've held him in a bear
hug a few times but that starts to feel bad as it seems to incite him
further. It's sure possible he doesn't feel totally safe to let it all
out. I just get hung up on getting hurt physically and it feels like
the fight escalates from there.
Anyway, these are a few thoughts
and again, I appreciate your help. Your site and emails are invaluable
to me. Really. Thanks!
A slow to warm child who takes five months to leave his teacher's side
would be likely to have stored up a lot of fear. He does need to let
that out. And yes, it is developmental in the sense that sometimes he
feels more up to the normal demands of life than other times. But I do
believe that he needs help with it, because otherwise he will get older
without having developed healthy ways of handling his emotions. I have
found that the big missing puzzle piece in gentle parenting is emotion,
because most adults are frightened of emotions.
But his fear does not have to all come out with a tantrum. Have you
tried games that make him giggle? Anything that involves fear should
work. Be the big bad wolf, just to the point where he giggles, not to
the point where he is really upset. Let him outsmart you, outrun you,
over power you. Or let him be the wolf, and pretend you're so terribly
afraid of him. You might also play some control games. "The dog isn't
smart enough to play this game, he goes into whatever room he wants.
But you and I can play this game. Ok, I'll start. WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON"T GO IN THAT ROOM!...Oh,no, you went in that room! Now I have to
grab you and give you ten kisses!...Ok, now it is your turn. Tell me
what I shouldn't do." Then you can choose to follow his rule, acting
very afraid of him, or bumble and don't follow the rule. Basically,
anything you can do to get him giggling is a great idea. Pillow
fights? Water fights?
Play will let off the same feelings as tantrums will, but deep fear
usually does take some real crying and flailing. I understand that it
is scary. If you can just stay near him but not hold him, that might be
enough. But often kids need to struggle against us. Sometimes it works
to say "I see you want to push. I will hold the couch cushion and you
can push against that as hard as you want. I will not let you hurt me.
I will keep both of us safe. You can be as mad as you want."
I am not in any way recommending that you let him hurt you. He does
not actually want to hurt you, even if he tries at that moment when he
is angry. He needs to know that you can keep both you and him safe. If
you are not confident of that, you will communicate it, so it is best
not to even try. In that case, can you enroll you husband? If he does
not trust your husband as much as you, that is normal, since you are
with him more. In that case, your husband needs to play some of these
physical games on a regular basis, and then see if he can trigger a
meltdown, just by setting a reasonable limit. But of course your
husband will need to be prepared then for what the fear looks like as it
is being released (flailiing, struggling). And if you can both be
there, all the better.
The dog issue is puzzling. Since your son goes to preschool we can
imagine that he might have some issues there that would then get played
out with the dog, just as otherwise he might "bully" his little
brother. Because what you are describing toward the dog is a sort of
bullying, it may give us a clue as to something he is experiencing at
school. He is not very flexible, and he gets easily threatened by
peers, so it may be that in some way he is feeling targeted. Is that
possible? Like, maybe, "You can't play with us unless you do what we
tell you?" or "You can't play in the sandbox. Go play over there."
You should ask the teacher, but this could even be things below the
radar of the teacher. To find out, you might initiate a play session
with stuffed animals who are at school, and at recess, and see if any of
this comes up.
I'll be interested to hear what happens. Good luck!
Just wanted to send you an
update. We play lots of games that make him giggle and even more after
your suggestion. He absolutely loves the "don't go into that room"
game (not sure how else to describe it but it's the game you suggested
below). It was amazing the first time we played it. He just totally
lit up. Anyway, there's lots of opportunity for that kind of thing.
I've
really been thinking about the bullying thing. He has told me of
incidents at school that I can tell upset him. They seem pretty tame to
me (Henry said I couldn't play with the blocks!) but I can tell they
made an impression on him. His sensitivity is striking. We were at an
indoor playground today and there was a girl (who he knows) who was
pretending to be a wolf (and doing a rather good job of it!). Anyway,
he was near tears as he told me that it scared him and that he wanted
her to be herself again. Could it be that his heightened sensitivity is
contributing to feelings of fear that he's not always verbalizing (and
that I'm not even aware of, since they seem even under my radar)?
Anyway,
I still struggle with the meltdowns. He hasn't been as aggressive
lately....I can tell he's trying to show some restraint. And we're
doing more sobbing/holding while in time-in. Your current emails are
hitting an issue head-on though. I spend virtually no time away from
him, particularly this summer as he's not in school, and I'm a bit
drained. Sometimes I find myself wondering why we have such an intense
kid! We'll continue working on all this.
Thanks for the update. It's hard when they're home fulltime in the
summer. Only a few weeks until school starts, right? Maybe there's a
neighborhood kid who could be a mother's helper a couple of afternoons a
week?
So glad that game worked out. Very interesting. Sounds like the dog issue is about control and power. The more you can get him giggling about those issues, the happier your dog will be.
And yes, I think you nailed it:
"Could it be that his heightened sensitivity is contributing to feelings
of fear that he's not always verbalizing (and that I'm not even aware
of, since they seem even under my radar)?"
I think your son
is extremely sensitive. So he does need extra help to express fear. Which means it's great that you're doing a lot of giggling with him.
It's
great that he isn't being as aggressive. Sounds like whatever you're
doing is working. The sobbing/time in is probably very helpful so that
he doesn't have to defend with aggression. That's a huge improvement.
Hopefully, since he isn't being so aggressive, you aren't so afraid of being hurt, so you're more able to "invite" his emotions? Meltdowns ARE tough. But mostly that's because
of our own reaction to the feelings. If you can remind yourself that
you're giving him a safe way to show you his big feelings, it helps. Breath your way through it!
