1. The most important tip, as always in parenting, is to manage yourself so that you can stay calm.
Our most important job as parents is to keep ourselves in a good mood, so we can stay patient in the face of childish behavior and teach our kids through role-modeling how to self-regulate and relate when things are stressful. If you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, your children will almost certainly begin to act out. Every day, find ways to keep your own cup full. If you’re running on empty, you won’t be able to help your kids stay on an even keel.
2. Remember that the holidays are actually stressful for children.
We often think that holidays are a magical time for children. And yes, they can be. But they can also be very stressful, especially if we as their parents are stressed. Your child depends on you not only to regulate their environment, but also to help them regulate their moods. When they act badly, remind yourself that they feel badly, and they need your help.
3. Give kids plenty of warning about travel and upcoming events.
At the beginning of the holidays, you might use a calendar to show your child what will happen each day. (“Then the day before Christmas we leave for Grandma’s, where you’ll get to play with all the cousins.”) Many kids love to make a little book in advance, where each page represents a new day and they draw a picture of what will be happening. Then, sit down for a snuggle every morning and describe the day ahead.
4. Coach your kids about the social behavior you expect.
Role play with them in the car before you arrive, or make a game of it before you go.
- “What do you say when Aunt Susie gives you a present?”
- “What if you don’t like the present?”
- “What do you when Uncle Norman wants to hug you hello?”
- “What if you don’t like the dinner that’s served?”
- “When you want to leave the table, how do you ask?”
- “What will you do if the cousins start arguing?”
5. Plan no more than one event per day.
If you’re visiting your in-laws, don’t plan the morning with the cousins and the afternoon at Aunt Betty’s. Kids need downtime, just to chill out, snuggle, and do whatever relaxes them. If they don’t get it, they'll melt down or get oppositional when the over-stimulation gets to them.
6. Have age-appropriate expectations.
If you’re doing a lot of visiting with adults, be sure the kids have something to occupy them. If they can read, buy them a new book for the occasion, one they can’t wait to get into. If they’re too young to stay absorbed in a book, download a favorite movie to bring with you. Be sure your schedule includes visits to the playground or other opportunities for the kids to get some fresh air and physical activity.
7. Watch your kids’ food intake in the midst of too many treats and busy schedules.
Many tantrums originate from hunger. And all parents recognize the sugar high that sends kids bouncing off walls and then crashing into tears. If necessary, speak with your relatives in advance about limiting treats. And carry small protein-rich snacks with you so your child doesn’t have a melt-down while the adults are negotiating where to go to dinner.
8. If you go on vacation, be sure it recharges and reconnects your family.
Some of us look forward to the kids’ school vacations as a chance to leave town in search of warm weather or winter sports. That can give you plenty of chances for family connection, especially if you forgo organized evenings in favor of family board games. What you want to avoid, of course, is racing around before you leave, getting stressed out by a busy trip, and returning home in need of a vacation. Kids tend to get cranky and stressed with travel and schedule changes, so plan accordingly.
9. If you’re flying with kids
...be sure to arrive early enough that they get to “run” a bit in the airport hallway after sitting still in the car and before sitting still on the plane. If there are two adults, send one to pre-board and grab an overhead bin, while the other one waits to board with your child, to minimize the time he has to sit in his seat. Make sure to change diapers and use the bathroom just before boarding. If you use overnight diapers (more absorbent), you might get lucky and avoid diaper changes on the flight. Special secret for painless flights: Bring small wrapped “presents” – books, treats, chapstick, puzzles, simple crafts – for each child. Kids can look forward to getting one as soon as they’ve buckled their seat belts, and several more whenever you need a distraction mid-flight. Blue painter's tape always comes in handy, too -- you can make a tic-tac-toe board on the tray table, use it for crafts, tape up blankets to make a cozy fort, and even make a hopscotch board in the airport while you're waiting. If your little one is not nursing, be sure to bring bottles, sugar-free lollipops or something else to suck on during take-off and landing to minimize ear pain in those little ear drums.
10. Keep children on their regular schedule as much as possible.
When children are off school, the lack of structure can be liberating -- for them and for you. But unpredictability can also be stressful for kids, so many children do better if you impose a little routine during the vacation. It can be very simple, just a plan for the day so that no one is surprised by all the transitions. Don't forget to include outdoor time, physical activity, and daily roughhousing or other laughter, which all children need to stay regulated.
11. Don't skip preventive maintenance.
Without our usual routines, it's easy to skip the preventive maintenance practices we rely on to keep our kids emotionally regulated. But these practices are even more important when kids are asked to handle new challenges. That means that every day needs to include:
- Communication about what to expect (see #9 above)
- Laughter (usually roughhousing is your best go-to)
- Empathy from you when they express feelings, including when you set limits.
- Acceptance of all emotions (which might mean you'll need to set a calm, clear limit and support your child when they respond by crying)
- One on One time with a parent (even just a snuggle first thing in the morning and again at bedtime will be a powerful anchor for your child.)
12. Do less, connect more.
There are so many wonderful opportunities during the holidays that we often find ourselves taking on too much and getting into a bad mood. If you notice this happening, pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Your kids don’t need a magazine-spread holiday. They need you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, STOP. Hug your children and regroup.
13. Support yourself.
Set an alarm on your phone to go off every hour. When it goes off, notice what you need, and give it to yourself, or make a plan for when you will be able to give it to yourself. (A hot bath after the kids are in bed?) Really! Your good mood is what matters, not getting one more thing done.
And at New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but every day, all year long. You're a hero, just because you get up every morning and try to do right by your child. Appreciate yourself, so you can keep on being heroic!
