Your 10 Point Plan To Stop Yelling

Later, though, we're often remorseful. We apologize, or try to reconnect. But if we keep doing it, kids react to our yelling by putting another brick in the wall between us, and dismantling that wall isn't easy.

Or, we justify having yelled: "There's just no other way to get through to that kid." (That reinforces the wall.)

Wouldn't it be amazing to simply stop yelling, even when you're angry? You can still get your child to comply with your directives. In fact, children are more cooperative when parents are more regulated.

It's completely possible. No matter how much you yell, no matter how your child acts.

Hard work? The hardest there is. And it takes time. But the results are priceless. You and your child will be much closer, which means he'll want to behave better. And watching you manage your emotions will help him learn to regulate his own emotions better.

But blaming and criticizing yourself doesn't help you do better. The key is giving yourself more support so you're less likely to lose it. Here's your ten point plan.

1. Take a vow of Yellibacy.

Make a sticker chart for "Respectful Voice" and put it on the fridge. Your child decides whether you get a star each day. Obviously, yelling is not a respectful voice. Notice you can still guide and direct your child -- just respectfully.

Are you against sticker charts? Me too, for kids, because they often teach the wrong lessons. But I'm not worried about teaching the parent the wrong lesson. :-) You're embarking on a tough mission. You need an accountability partner, and who better than your child?

2. Make sure you aren't running on empty.

You can't act much nicer than you feel. If you're running on empty, how can you regulate your emotions? How can you be emotionally generous to your child? Find sustainable ways to maintain your sense of well-being, so you can give your child the best of yourself. That keeps you ready to rise to the occasion when your child pushes your buttons. Besides, you deserve to feel sunny, too! Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.

3. Set limits with your child before things get out of control,

while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor. Notice that by the time you're losing it, not yelling is only possible if you bite your tongue so hard you give yourself a piercing. You’re only human, so of course you’ll yell once you get pushed to the edge. It’s your responsibility to stay away from the edge!

4. Remember that children will act like children.

That’s their job. How will they know where the limits are unless they test them? How will they let you know they need your help with their tangled-up feelings if they don't "act out" those feelings that they can't express in words? Your job is to set the limits with empathy and kindness, and then stay connected while they express their upsets, so they WANT to follow your lead and internalize your limits. Tall order? Yes. But it helps your child develop self-discipline. And it helps them cooperate more, so it's easier for you not to yell.

5. Stop yelling and start connecting.

You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? That's not actually the best way to change her behavior long-term. Instead, try empathy. You can still set limits as necessary. But take the time to see things from your child's point of view. Empathize with her, and help her meet whatever needs she was trying to meet in a better way, whether that's:

• Mastery: "You're screaming because you wanted to do it yourself? Here, let's pull over the chair for you to climb up, and you can do it yourself."
• Connection: "I hear that whiny voice... this is a tired time of day, isn't it? Come, let's put you in the carrier so you can watch over my shoulder while I make dinner, and we'll stay very close."

If you address the need or emotion behind the behavior, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice. BONUS TIP: Parenting with more connection puts the joy back in parenting for you!

6. Teach emotional regulation.

Kids learn emotional regulation from our staying calm and compassionate in the face of their upsets. When we say "You are so mad! Tell me in words! No hitting!" to our toddler, he learns that being angry is ok, there's even a word for it, and you as the parent understand how he feels. That helps him control his impulse to hit. If, instead, we tell him that he's a bad boy, he may try to squelch his anger, but that only works temporarily, so his anger will burst out uncontrolled at another time.

7. Play instead.

Kids respond to the "tone" of our energy. When we have an edge in our voice, they feel anxious, and move into "fight or flight." That means they start raising their own voices, arguing, or melting down. If, instead, you can respond to minor infractions with a sense of humor and playfulness, kids tend to relax and cooperate. So instead of "I told you to go take your bath right now!" try "I am the robot of the bath... I have come to carry you off to the bathroom!" with a mechanical voice and lumbering gait that gets your child squealing with laughter and running ahead of you toward the bath.

8. Notice what triggers you.

When we yell, it's because we're triggered. I know -- at the time we think we're right. But since yelling is never the most effective way to handle conflict, we wouldn't yell if we weren't triggered.

The best way to start healing your triggers is to reflect on your own childhood with someone you trust. (Journaling and some Workbooks are also helpful.) How did your parents handle it when you got angry or upset? Did you get yelled at? How did it make you feel? Surface those feelings and breathe your way through them and let them go. You're deactivating your triggers. (For more on healing your triggers: How To Stop Lugging Around Your Old Emotional Baggage, or consider taking the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Online Course.)

9. When you find yourself yelling, or in the middle of losing your temper, use your Pause button.

Stop. Drop (your agenda, just for now.) Breathe. Even if you're in the middle of a sentence. As soon as you notice your voice is raised, shut your mouth. Walk away. You're not losing face. You're modeling responsible anger management.

10. Teach only love.

If you're angry, don't try to teach your child "a lesson." You'll be modeling lessons you don't want to teach. Instead, take a breath and say a little mantra, like "Kids need love most when they deserve it least."

Wait until you're calm. You'll intervene so much more effectively then.

Try it for a week. Give yourself whatever support you need to be successful. (That means get enough sleep. Get support from other parents. Read a good parenting book. Take my Online Course.) What you're doing is hard, and you deserve the support to be successful!)

You'll see a wonderful change in your family, one that will keep you going long after your experiment ends. In a year, you won't remember the last time you yelled.

Miraculous? Yes. But this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.