When children are fighting with each other, and parents intervene to establish who's right and who's wrong, it usually causes more fighting. That's because it is almost impossible to figure out who “started” a conflict, and which provocations led to which retaliations. But even if you have the wisdom of Solomon, if you take sides, you always increase the resentments, which leads to more sibling fighting.
That's why many experts advise letting kids work out their own battles. And it's true that sometimes children can work things out themselves, particularly when you've taught them how to do that!
But often children can't work things out, either because they don't yet have the skills, or because they're simply too angry. In those cases, often, when parents try to "let them work it out themselves," the child with the most power ends up bullying the other. But every child has the right to be safe in his own home, so parents need to actively teach their children the skills to resolve conflicts before expecting them to do so without adult support.
Are you wondering how to teach children the skills to resolve their own conflicts? Great question, since most of us adults didn't learn these skills when we were kids. Here's your step-by-step guide!
1. Stay Calm.
Research shows that one of the most important things parents can do to help kids learn to manage their emotions is to stay calm themselves. Kids need to experience their parents as a "holding environment" -- a safe harbor in the storm of their turbulent feelings.
If you can stay take a deep breath and re-establish safety for BOTH children by listening to both of them, they won't have to escalate to feel heard. "I see two very upset kids here. I am right here now, to help you both. We can work this out."
That will help them settle down enough to listen to each other, so they can work things out. And it's the beginning of them eventually learning to calm themselves when they're upset. Managing big feelings is the first step in resolving conflicts.
2. Coach kids to problem-solve together, so they learn how.
If your kids aren't too upset, move right in and model basic problem-solving.
- Model calm.
- If the conflict is over an object, move it away.
- Describe the problem without judgment.
- Invite the children to come up with solutions; write them down.
- Go through the solutions one at a time.
- Restate objections, compromises, and solutions as they’re offered.
- Get agreement on the solution.
What if the kids are too upset for problem-solving? Help with those big emotions, with the steps below.
3. Don't take sides or worry about who started the fight.
Instead, connect with each child. The mistake most parents make is that they think they have to decide who is right and what the resolution should be. But that just convinces the child who "loses" that you love the other child more, which increases resentment and future fights.
4. Help each child feel connected and heard.
Tell each child that you hear they have something important that their sibling needs to hear. "Lucas, I see you are upset and you have something important to tell Amelia. And Amelia, I see you are upset too, and have something important to tell Lucas. Lucas, hold my hand here so we can listen to your sister together, and then we will both listen to you. Amelia, you start. Take a deep breath and speak as calmly as you can, so we can understand your important words. Then tell Lucas and me why you're upset and what you need."
Then, restate EACH child's perspective and wants, so they each feel understood. (Yes, even if you think one of them is wrong.) "So Amelia, you hit your brother because he wrecked your game. And Lucas, you wrecked her game because she wouldn't let you play. Did I get that right?"
5. Model and uphold standards of civility using your family rules.
If someone is breaking a family rule, restate and reinforce:
- "Right now we are listening to Jacob talk. Then it will be your turn to speak and Jacob and I will both listen to you."
- "Our family rule is no touching someone's body without permission, and no hurting! I expect each of you to tell each other what you want and need without hurting each other."
- "The rule in our family is that we treat each other with kindness and respect, and no name calling. I hear screaming and name calling. You can tell your sibling what you want without attack words like name-calling."
6. If someone is actually hurt, attend to their wounds with empathy.
"Ouch, that must hurt." But don't pass judgment on who was wrong. Resist the impulse to angrily attack the aggressor, just ignore her. If you are in private, for instance putting on a band aid in the bathroom, it is fine to let the wounded child blow off steam and empathize: “She really hurt your feelings, and your body. No wonder you're angry.”
7. If either child is too upset to work things out at the moment, separate them.
It's better, if you can, to listen to each child with the other one present. But if one child is too angry and is saying mean things about the other, it is best to separate them temporarily. "Can you two work this out now, or do you need time to cool off?"
Some parents send them to their rooms, but many kids have a hard time with that kind of banishment. If you do need one child behind a door that is shut, go with him to his room to "listen" to his upset.
If they beg to be together during this time, say: "We all need 15 minutes to calm down. When you get mad, your body gets ready to fight or run, and we need to let our bodies calm down so we're ready to work things out. After this cool off period, once we have a peaceful home again, you two will be ready to work this out respectfully.”
8. If one or both kids is too mad to sit calmly during the cool-off period?
Suggest an alternative method – away from the sibling – of working out his or her anger: "I know you're mad, but we don't hit. Use your words. You can use this marker and paper and draw me a picture of how mad you are. You can go in the bathroom and shut the door and scream about how mad you are. You can throw pillows at the couch as hard as you want. But no hitting and no hurting.”
9. Once everyone is calm, call the kids together.
- Help kids express their feelings and needs to each other: "So you were really mad when Jaden wanted to play a different game."
- Empathize and restate each child's point of view.
- Teach empathy by asking each child how he thinks his sibling felt during the fight.
- Back your children up as necessary: "What did you hear your brother say?"
- Help kids repair, do over, or find win-win solutions.
Over time, your kids will be able to talk and work it out themselves. Ask them to come to you with a description of what happened ("We wanted to play different games") and a plan for what they will do differently next time ("We will flip a coin" or "We'll play each game for half an hour.")
Your kids DO want to play together, they just don't know how to work out conflicts. (I know a lot of married couples who have the same problem.) Your job is to teach them!
Want some more examples? Check out this article: A Script on How to Intervene in a Sibling Fight
I know this is hard, but this is something you can do! If you need more support, please consider joining us for the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Online Course, which will teach you the skills you need!
Do you have more questions about raising brothers and sisters who love and support each other? Get your hands on Dr. Laura's book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.
"Your first book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, is invaluable. But Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings takes it to the next level and makes it all come alive so vividly. The scripts are so helpful and make it all so real. There's a great overview/explanation of how family emotions work and how you, as the parent, are the model and coach. I love the list of what children learn when parents allow the child's feelings and respond with empathy! This book is absolutely phenomenal!" - Beth, mother of two.
"This book delivers hope and help. Laura Markham brilliantly applies her respectful, attuned, limit-setting approach to sibling dynamics. Full of realistic scenarios and scripts for how parents can turn conflict into opportunities to build skills, and turn parental dread into meaningful intervention. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings masterfully coaches parents on how to honor each child's experience, set limits, reduce conflict, and build skills for life." - Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline
