1. Set a good anger-management example.

That means treating everyone, including your kids, respectfully. No swearing when someone cuts you off in traffic, no demeaning asides about your partner forgetting to fill the gas tank, no yelling at the kids. (Really. Yelling teaches them to yell--at each other.)

2. Teach your kids basic negotiation and problem-solving skills guided by the concept of win/win:

  • Taking turns
  • Dividing a treat (one person does the dividing, the other picks the first piece)
  • Trading
  • Sweetening the deal (“We play your game first and then my game for longer”)

3. Enforce standards of respect in your home:

"We don't call people names or tolerate meanness in this house. We treat each other with respect."

"No name calling. You can tell your brother how mad you are at him without calling names."

Set up an expectation that if anyone forgets themselves and calls a name or is disrespectful (this includes adults!), they need to “repair” the damage they've done to that relationship. (Do a favor, help rebuild the tower you knocked down, make a card.) This doesn't mean your kids can't disagree. It means that there is always a way to stay respectful, even if we're angry. Wouldn't it be a different world if everyone learned this in childhood?

4. Help them be a team.

I'm not a fan of rewards in general, but I do look for every opportunity to reward teamwork between siblings. You might try to make your kids partners in avoiding fights with each other by setting up a Cooperation jar and putting a coin in it every time you observe the kids being nice to each other, including playing without fighting. Take one or more coins out whenever the kids fight. (If they express feelings in an appropriate, respectful way, they gain coins, especially since that is so hard for kids.) The kids get to decide (together) how to spend the money.

5. Be aware that if you punish your children, they will learn to use "punishment" against each other.

Punishment means causing another person physical or emotional pain to get them to do what we want. You may see yourself as teaching a lesson, but kids don't see punishment as the way you teach them to behave appropriately. They see punishment as the way more powerful people make less powerful people do what that want. If you give timeouts, you're teaching kids to use social exclusion as a way to get people to do what they want. Studies repeatedly show that kids who are punished are more angry, more likely to fight with each other, and more likely to repeat misbehaviors.

This even extends to yelling, which teaches kids to yell. Studies show that kids who are punished are more angry, more likely to fight with each other, and more likely to repeat misbehaviors. Instead, use Peaceful Parenting, which strengthens your relationship with your children so they want to behave, and sets a good example of how to handle anger.

Yes, you have to regulate your own emotions, but think how much happier your home will be! And yes, your children will still behave, as long as you're role modeling self-regulation and connecting with them.

6. Empathize with your kids' angry feelings about each other, but set definite limits on their actions.

Kids are entitled to their feelings, which have a way of showing up in human beings, like our arms and legs. But all humans, even little ones, should be held responsible for what they do with their arms and legs and feelings. "When your brother messes with your things you get really angry. You can tell him how it makes you feel in words. We don't hit." "You wish you could stay up a half an hour later, like your sister. When you're in third grade, you'll be able to also. In the meantime, you can tell me if you're jealous of your sister, but you can't mess up her room."

7. Teach kids healthy self-management techniques, which can be a challenge.

Most of us never learned to regulate our own emotions as kids, so these are skills we don't necessarily model so well. Sometime when they're calm, make a game out of working with your kids on a list of healthy ways to handle anger. "Play the drums." "Write in your journal about how angry you are." “Dig a hole in the back yard and bury your angries.” “Breathe and count backwards from 10.” “Get a grownup.” "Put on headphones and dance to loud music." "Kick the soccerball." Be clear in that discussion that hitting, scratching, and pinching are never appropriate things to do to other people. Post the list on the fridge, and refer to it when you're mad, in front of them, to model using it.

8. Validating emotion is the first step in your child learning to manage it.

As you go through daily life, notice your kids' emotions and comment non-judgmentally on them. “It's so frustrating when you work hard on something and it collapses like that. No wonder you're angry.” “I wonder if you were jealous when your friend went off with that other child.” Don't feel like you need to solve their problems or talk them out of their feelings, just acknowledge the feelings so they will too.

9. Cultivate empathy in your kids.

Comment on other kids' feelings: "Look at Michael. He's crying. I think his feelings are hurt.” “That little girl is sure mad. I wonder why?" "Neela hurt herself. I wonder if we can do anything to help her feel better?" Most important, offer your kids empathy for their own feelings, which is the foundation of their developing empathy for each other.

10. Brainstorm with your kids on how to diffuse anger in others to resolve conflicts peacefully:

“Acknowledge their point of view.” “Express your needs without attacking them.” “Stay respectful.” “Stay in the current issue, don't bring up past conflicts.” Post that list on the fridge also.

11. If you have a "hitter," privately talk with her about what is making her so angry at her brother that she is hurting him.

Is she afraid that he's loved more? Or does she just want her way, and the consequences for hitting her brother have so far not dissuaded her? Having a chance to feel heard about her upset will diminish the force of her feelings so that she doesn't have to act on them.

For example, an 8 year old is old enough to control her temper, but on the other hand, kids do often hit siblings at this age, even when they would never hit someone else. Give your daughter help in learning to handle her anger appropriately. Reflect her feelings and empathize with her, but also remind her that she is older, and just as older kids get extra privileges like staying up later, they also have the extra responsibility of never, ever hitting a younger kid.

Point out that she can call you if she needs your assistance in resolving a problem with her brother, and tell her calmly but firmly that you expect her to control her emotions, use her words and NOT touch her brother in anger. Teach her that when she gets mad, she can yell a code word like "STOP!" and clap her arms around her body (so that her right hand is on her left shoulder or under her left arm, and vice versa). This works because it redirects the feeling of wanting to lash out to protect oneself into a self-hug that contains and protects.

12. Model conflict resolution with your partner and other adults, as well as your kids.

Contrary to popular myth, “fighting” never works things out constructively. Instead, take a “cool-off” period and then come back determined to stay calm, acknowledge the other person's view, express your own needs, and talk things out.

13. Work to create an atmosphere of appreciation in your house.

Every night at dinner, have each person find at least one specific thing to "appreciate" about each other person: "I appreciate that Jillian helped me with my homework." "I appreciate that Mommy played my game with me." "I appreciate that Daddy made my favorite dinner." "I appreciate that Danny didn't bother us when my friends came over to play."

14. Remember they're kids.

Just because one child punches another doesn't mean he’ll become a criminal. It's important to set limits on behavior, but that doesn't mean you don't offer understanding -- and the confidence that your child will learn. "All kids get mad at their siblings sometimes. It will be easier, as you get older, to remember how to control yourself when you get mad, so you can work things out."

Instead of shame, your child needs to hear from you that he isn’t a bad person, just a young person who is still developing the skills and neural wiring to manage big emotions. And he always has your love and support, no matter what.

Would you like to learn more about raising brothers and sisters who know how to interact with each other with respect and understanding? Get your hands on Dr. Laura's new book: Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life.

"Your first book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, is invaluable. But Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings takes it to the next level and makes it all come alive so vividly. The scripts are so helpful and make it all so real. There's a great overview/explanation of how family emotions work and how you, as the parent, are the model and coach. I love the list of what children learn when parents allow the child's feelings and respond with empathy! This book is absolutely phenomenal!" - Beth, mother of two.

"This book delivers hope and help. Laura Markham brilliantly applies her respectful, attuned, limit-setting approach to sibling dynamics. Full of realistic scenarios and scripts for how parents can turn conflict into opportunities to build skills, and turn parental dread into meaningful intervention. Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings masterfully coaches parents on how to honor each child's experience, set limits, reduce conflict, and build skills for life." - Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline